Mattress Story

I was the happy recipient of a two year old mattress from my Aunt who was moving. Finally Annie's 35 year old mattress could be replaced!

On Thursday last week I picked it up. I hauled the new mattress upstairs and decided to give away the old one. I would drive it to salvation army. Now I was quite occupied and not paying good attention when I stripped the sheets off the bed and hauled it down the stairs and outside. But once the thing was leaning up against the van I took a step back and looked at it in the bright sunlight. I was unprepared for the sight. I know that from time to time there might be accidents of various sorts on beds, but this looked as though someone had been shot on this thing while dying her hair and drinking hot chocolate. And I didn't think I could bear to give it to salvation army in this state. It had to be thrown out.

Neighbors of ours have rented a dumpster to clean out their basement. I looked down the street at it and decided to ask them if I could toss the mattress in. I walked up to the door to ring the bell and before I could even do so, the door opened and what appears to be a 19-year old young woman with long dark hair and gaudy blue eyemakep opens the door. But then the large features and the atom's apple appear and I realize that it is, in fact, a dude. That didn't stop me from my goal, however, which was to find a way to dispose of this unfortunate mattress before a cop drove by and asked to inspect my Honda Odyssey for any dead bodies.

"I was wondering if I might be able to throw something in your dumpster?"
"I don't care. Go ahead." Teen transvestite walks past me to the car and I wonder if there are other she-male teens that hang out in front of the Lake Street theater and Ben and Jerry's.

Dumpsters are supposed to be able to open from the side, but this one was locked. So I spent about 10 minutes trying to hoist the mattress high enough to push over the top. I couldn't even get the thing off the ground it was so heavy. I tried tipping it onto my head (until I realized my head hurt before the whole thing was even on it). I even tried tipping it on my back like a beast of burden to get it lifted up. It was quite a sight, and if any of my neighbors were watching that day, I'm sure they were laughing their asses off watching me try to push this blood-soaked mattress into the dumpster.

I actually stood back from it a moment and remembered grade school science class. What I needed was a simple machine. A lever. No levers in sight, but I did see a couple of plastic lawn chairs. Fulcrums. I set them up to face each other and then tipped the mattress up on one end until the other end was high enough to reach the chair seat. I then lifted the other side to the other chair and presto! I was able to get underneath the mattress with my shoulder and hoist it over the top. In what seemed to me like slow motion, I watched as the terrible beastly mattress began the descent into its new home. And then, I heard the satisfying "thunk" that signaled the end of a mattress' life.