Ellie and my babies

Ellie now crawls, which is so exciting, but it also comes with challenges. We have a mad dash now of childproofing to do, and I need to change my thinking now to encompass things that would be intriguing but dangerous to an 11-month old. I can no longer just put her down with a few toys and go take care of dinner or go to the bathroom. It's funny, because I've already had two kids go through this stage, but I forgot what it was like to suddenly have a mobile baby.

And as life has suddenly become busier and harder with a crawling beanie, I think back to her newborn stage with a very tender heart. We were still finishing our kitchen remodel, we were trying to potty train Johnny and were cleaning up accidents several times a day (and still are, hmmm...), and soon after her birth we dealt with the kids' anxieties of starting preschool and kindergarten. It was super busy and super challenging, but at the same time we had a tiny warm bundle of flesh who would curl up on my shoulder and sleep. She knew me by my scent and for the two hours a day when her eyes were open, she would study my face as if she were imprinting the image into her memory.

Ellie has now tripled in size and babbles, stands, eats people food and recognizes all the important people in her life. Just a few days ago as I was rocking this 11-month old giant to sleep, I looked around in her room fantasizing about the color I want to paint it and making a mental note of the holes I wanted to fill and the colors in the bedding I wanted to buy her. Then I looked down at the chubby angelic face and I thought of how my two older kids can't be held in the crook of my arm anymore. I thought of how they once were 11-month olds who howled through the night when their teeth were coming in and felt safe when I picked them up and held them in that rocking chair. Then I thought of the shitty apartment that we lived in when Annie was a baby and the tiny house that we lived in when Johnny was a baby and I remember how much I wanted to move. As my kids grow bigger, I love them as babies even more. I would trade my soul to the devil to shrink each of them back down to babies and rock them to sleep in their shitty, tiny rooms, just so i could kiss them and inject as much love and affection into them as I possibly could.

When Matt and I were in pre-cana classes before we got married, one of the couples gave a talk about having children. I remember so clearly what the woman said about how it felt to have your own kids. She said it was like pulling your heart out of your chest and watching it walk around with its own arms and legs. And I guess now having gone through this three times, I can finally see that it doesn't matter what color my walls are or how many holes I need to fill in them, my kids will never be this small again. They will never be as dependent, and never be as willing to love me back as they are at this very moment.

My friend's dad was telling me about when his kids were babies. He expressed how hard it was, but he said, looking back, the best years of his life were when his kids were babies. I know this to be true. For me, this is the reason I live. I understand life through my parents' eyes now better because I'm living it, and I can understand my kids better because I've been one.

"There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands." (John Mellencamp)

PS- And yes, I know that I am a schmaltz ball.