Religion

When I was little, there was a Christian church about three blocks from my house where I would ride my bike from time to time. It was a simple white box with a steeple on top--the kind of place I imagined a pretty white wedding taking place. It lacked the flying buttresses, gothic ceilings, and enormous stained glass windows that our Catholic Church boasted. I wondered why we drove three miles away to church instead of going there. "It's not a Catholic Church" was the reply. This didn't make a lot of sense to me at the time. So what if it's not Catholic. I was sure there was the same altar with men dressed up in robes, trilly singers, and boring readings. The unbroken chain of Church fathers, long thought out doctrine and adherence to Church dogma just would not have made any sense to me at the time. And even now, I think some of this Church doctrine gibberish is a grownup's version of "my Dad is stronger than your Dad." We haven't lost any of our fighting arrogance that we had when we were little, we've just disguised it better with well-worded epistles.

I am all grown up now, but I still long for the simplicity of that white box. The only problem being I'm not sure I love what's inside the white box. So I set out to find a church that I loved. A structure that was simple and beautiful, a people I could both support and be supported by, leaders who inspired me, and a means to do good works and give back to the community.

For lent this year I decided that instead of giving something up, I was going to try to determine which religion I am. Easter was about three months ago, and I still don't have a religion. I have been doing some reading in religious subjects (thanks to my religiously-inspired book club), I've prayed about it, and for two Sundays I become a traitor to the Catholic faith to attend an Episcopalian and a Unitarian service. Both had things that I was very drawn to, but both lacked something as well. I guess I'm looking to belong to something that I am 100% in support of, which completely expresses who I am and what I believe in. And generally when you belong to a group, that's just never going to happen. Part of being in a group is losing a bit of yourself. I'm afraid I'm just not ready to do that. So I've decided that it's okay to be in a state of indecision for awhile, to not totally belong to something, but instead to take the good from many different sources and let all the ideas settle. Just because I don't have a church I'm totally committed to doesn't mean I don't have a God that I'm totally committed to.