Time travel

I was digging through old papers to find a hard copy resume (brushing it up for that perfect 2-day a week dream job that is just around the corner). Anyhow, I spent the rest of the evening reading old journals, letters, and report cards. To open those same notebooks that I frantically scribbled my moment's drama, to turn those same pages I cried over and rejoiced in!! Not only did I write my thoughts, but stories of that time, complete with dialogue, as well. It was a magical transport to a younger self!

When Matt and I first started dating, I remember one night we were up so late talking about meaning of life type stuff. It had gotten so dark and we never bothered to turn on lights. Not even a street light shone into the room it was so black. All we could hear were each other's voices emerging from nothingness. The subject matter and the fact that it was about 2 in the morning all contributed to this feeling that we were not bodies sitting on couches talking, but two souls floating in space.

And that's how I felt listening to my former self's words. A teenage soul floating above the page. Anxious, unsure, naive and overwhelmed by seeing the bigness of the world for the first time. It certainly wasn't all bad, and I was even happy to find out that the things I was interested in then are still interesting now. But permeating the beginnings of a woman excited to meet the world was a teenager scared of making a mistake, scared to be something other than what was expected, scared of her own sexuality, needy and wanting to be loved. Much of what I wrote about was petty garbage, who I liked, excuse me, LOVED, that week, who snubbed me, and why it was always the other person's fault. If you've never read your own journal, proceed with caution. It's a very humbling experience.

Now, if only I could take myself now, or better yet, my self that I am aiming to become, and float that soul above the page to have a chat with the 17-year old, we'll be all set. Except that when you're 17, you don't listen to anyone. :) Better to take that old soul who knows no boundaries and set it firmly into my 31-year old self to dissolve the last vestiges of self-doubt.