On the windows outside Johnny's classroom for the first few weeks of school have hung self-portraits the kids did the first day of school. God bless preschool teachers who spend their extra hours cutting out construction paper and buying all sorts of crap that even the youngest can easily assemble and feel like Monet when their art project turns out just right. The kids got to glue the appropriate color construction paper eyes and string hair to their paper plate faces to make their likenesses for the world to see. Johnny gave himself green eyes and black hair. I support this decision, as I myself have recently decided that my God-given hair color need not restrict me. Just yesterday I got my hair cut really short and requested pumpkin-orange highlights. An early midlife crisis. Much cheaper than a car. I actually like it a lot, except that a good friend of mine has a similar hairstyle (we have the same stylist) and I am beginning to feel a little bit like Bridget Fonda's friend in Single White Female.
Anyhoo, today the kids in Johnny's class replaced their self-portraits with clowns for "C" week. They got to glue the eyes, nose, and smile on to a clown. I got there a little early and was admiring all the smiling clown faces, when I noticed that there was one clown whose smile was upside down. Perhaps just a gluer's error, but upon closer examination, there were tears coming out of the clown's eyes. One crying clown among all the happy clowns. Yikes. That poor kid. I thought of how anxious I would feel if that were my kid who did the sad clown for the entire school to see and wonder to themselves, "Is there something going on at home?" So I walked over to see who the depressed 4-year old was whose name announced the dysfunction. "Johnny M." Holy shit!! MY JOHNNY?!!! Oh my God!!! I knew that the transition to a new school year would be hard, I know he doesn't have the same friends as last year, I know sometimes I yell too much at home, but I had no idea it was THIS BAD!!
When Johnny got out of class he ran up to me with a big smile and hug and he showed me the self-portrait that he was allowed to now bring home. That gave me the lead-in to ask what was up on the windows now that the self-portraits were gone. He took me over to show me his clown. "Why is he sad?" I asked. Johnny replied, "He fell down on the way to preschool this morning and scraped his knee." I gave Johnny's knee a little kiss (as he had scraped it on the way to school this morning) and asked him if it felt better. "Yep!" He assured me.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Adorable Little Nietzsche
In Johnny's preschool class, his teacher has an sweet little thing she does with the kids. She says, "Who loves you, Baby?!" And they all shout, "God does!" (Despite this shout-out to God providing evidence to the contrary, we are in fact Catholic). I've tried to replicate it at home with my dear little Oedipus-boy.
Me: "Who loves you, Baby?"
Johnny: "Mommy does!"
Me: "Yeah, but what about God?!"
Johnny: "God is dead."
Me: "Who loves you, Baby?"
Johnny: "Mommy does!"
Me: "Yeah, but what about God?!"
Johnny: "God is dead."
Feminine Mystique
I began to read "The Feminine Mystique" during my whole should-I-go-back-to-work crisis. It's the Betty Friedan 1963 book that caused a national sensation and arguably got the ball rolling on the women's movement. The book challenged the notion that women can/should only find fulfillment in their family role in the home. I haven't read enough of it yet, but I'm wondering if the book is headed in the direction to say that if a woman works, she can find the fulfillment and satisfaction that she was missing at home. I have no idea if this is what Fridan means to imply--that a woman can only find her identity through work. If so, boy did I have an awful identity immediately prior to children.
I understand that it's not fair to say that every woman is going to find her fulfillment in the home, but I'm just not so sure that it's fair to swing into the other direction and say that a woman will find this missing fulfillment through work, either, unless that work is humanitarian relief through the Red Cross or something similarly saintly. It made me think that there are two types of fulfillment.
1. A sense of accomplishment and pride
2. Satisfaction of some deeper meaning in one's life
Do you feel fulfillment in your life according to these two meanings? (Rhetorical question, answer not necessary :)
I understand that it's not fair to say that every woman is going to find her fulfillment in the home, but I'm just not so sure that it's fair to swing into the other direction and say that a woman will find this missing fulfillment through work, either, unless that work is humanitarian relief through the Red Cross or something similarly saintly. It made me think that there are two types of fulfillment.
1. A sense of accomplishment and pride
2. Satisfaction of some deeper meaning in one's life
Do you feel fulfillment in your life according to these two meanings? (Rhetorical question, answer not necessary :)
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Job
About two weeks ago I applied for a job at Loyola that looked interesting as a part-time education policy data analyst. I couldn't believe my luck when I saw it (I checked the jobs site after fantasizing about getting a theology degree at Loyola). Anyhow, I brushed up the resume, sent it in, got a call a week later, interviewed last week, got the job on Monday and then had to decide whether I wanted it.
This job was similar in many ways to my old jobs doing number crunching (first job was data work for education policy, second job was data work for direct marketing). At my second job, I did number crunching to eventually come up with an equation which would predict likelihood of being a customer. Example:
(Age 25-35)w + (0-2 kids)x + (income 50K-100K)y + (customer at other small home goods stores)z = likelihood of being a customer at Pottery Barn
I'm kind of out of practice, but you get the idea.
I had to call up managers at my previous two jobs to ask them to be references to me. The one manager, a 60-year old woman with no children and no close family whose life was dedicated to her career told me I was very wise to go back to work so I'm not out of it so long. My other manager, the 30-something dad of 5 whose wife home schools them all wondered what I was doing going back to work with "all those little kids at home." In fact, I got mixed reactions from a lot of people, muddling up my decision. I started to realize that I really had to determine what it was that would make ME the happiest person and the best mom.
My mom gave me the idea to make a list of pros and cons. I started to do that. Here it is:
o. money (a wash in this case, as it would have paid for childcare with almost nothing left over)
-. juggling work and home (I am not very good at multitasking)
-. missing the kids (I would especially miss out on mornings with Ellie alone, something I had really looked forward to)
-. added chaos from having more going on and less time to do it all (not good for the old anxiety)
+. break from the kids (yes, please!)
+. identity outside of the family (badly needed)
+. career direction (ditto)
I think it's important to note here that there is no such thing the perfect situation when deciding to do the stay-at-home thing or the work thing. As it is, I stay at home and am around my kids all the time. So, I get annoyed by them easier and take them for granted more and let them watch too much TV and don't always do very productive things with them. Working moms mention working mom guilt, but I think there is also stay-at-home mom guilt. That shameful feeling of wanting to punt your kids every so often b/c you've had enough of them.
Back to the list of pros and cons. As you can see from the above list, the first factor is even (no money made), the next three were negatives for going back to work, and the next three were positives for going back to work. But, they are not all evenly weighted for me. This was becoming a mathematical equation of the sort that I used to do for work! Each variable has a weight, and sometimes there are one or two variables that carry almost all of the weight. This exercise helped me to determine that the negatives for me were weighted slightly higher than the positives. After a lot of thought, I turned down the job. In the end, I do think that is going to make ME a happier person and happier mom.
Time will tell if this was the right decision. At least two good things have come out of this I know:
1. I discovered that if I want to, I CAN get a job. Hooray.
2. I discovered that each person can have her own equation for a problem, and it is wrong to determine the answer to someone else's problem using your own equation. Whether that's for working or staying at home, or something altogether different.
And that's my deep thoughts for the day...
This job was similar in many ways to my old jobs doing number crunching (first job was data work for education policy, second job was data work for direct marketing). At my second job, I did number crunching to eventually come up with an equation which would predict likelihood of being a customer. Example:
(Age 25-35)w + (0-2 kids)x + (income 50K-100K)y + (customer at other small home goods stores)z = likelihood of being a customer at Pottery Barn
I'm kind of out of practice, but you get the idea.
I had to call up managers at my previous two jobs to ask them to be references to me. The one manager, a 60-year old woman with no children and no close family whose life was dedicated to her career told me I was very wise to go back to work so I'm not out of it so long. My other manager, the 30-something dad of 5 whose wife home schools them all wondered what I was doing going back to work with "all those little kids at home." In fact, I got mixed reactions from a lot of people, muddling up my decision. I started to realize that I really had to determine what it was that would make ME the happiest person and the best mom.
My mom gave me the idea to make a list of pros and cons. I started to do that. Here it is:
o. money (a wash in this case, as it would have paid for childcare with almost nothing left over)
-. juggling work and home (I am not very good at multitasking)
-. missing the kids (I would especially miss out on mornings with Ellie alone, something I had really looked forward to)
-. added chaos from having more going on and less time to do it all (not good for the old anxiety)
+. break from the kids (yes, please!)
+. identity outside of the family (badly needed)
+. career direction (ditto)
I think it's important to note here that there is no such thing the perfect situation when deciding to do the stay-at-home thing or the work thing. As it is, I stay at home and am around my kids all the time. So, I get annoyed by them easier and take them for granted more and let them watch too much TV and don't always do very productive things with them. Working moms mention working mom guilt, but I think there is also stay-at-home mom guilt. That shameful feeling of wanting to punt your kids every so often b/c you've had enough of them.
Back to the list of pros and cons. As you can see from the above list, the first factor is even (no money made), the next three were negatives for going back to work, and the next three were positives for going back to work. But, they are not all evenly weighted for me. This was becoming a mathematical equation of the sort that I used to do for work! Each variable has a weight, and sometimes there are one or two variables that carry almost all of the weight. This exercise helped me to determine that the negatives for me were weighted slightly higher than the positives. After a lot of thought, I turned down the job. In the end, I do think that is going to make ME a happier person and happier mom.
Time will tell if this was the right decision. At least two good things have come out of this I know:
1. I discovered that if I want to, I CAN get a job. Hooray.
2. I discovered that each person can have her own equation for a problem, and it is wrong to determine the answer to someone else's problem using your own equation. Whether that's for working or staying at home, or something altogether different.
And that's my deep thoughts for the day...
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Saint of Darkness
Mother Teresa had crises of faith, too. If you haven't heard anything about it, please read:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20070830/cm_csm/eteresa_1
In her letters to confessors and superiors, recently published, Mother Teresa's soul is laid bare as she admits to profound moments of isolation and abandonment from God and even doubt in heaven or the Creator himself. In fact, she struggled with these feelings for 50 years while she continued to minister to the poorest of Calcutta.
I think this is so interesting for so many reasons. As this story is published, stories of other saints and good people having profound moments of doubt surface. Doubt might be more normal than we think. I also think that feelings come in pairs. What does "happy" mean if there's not a "sad" to give it context? Profound spirituality and communion with God and profound isolation and abandonment might come as a package deal. No one can feel floaty and peaceful and God-filled all the time, just like no one can be jolly and spritely all the time.
For me, this only elevates the status of Mother Teresa. She persevered through moments of doubt and tried to see the good in it. One of her advisers told her that her abandonment gives her greater understanding of Jesus on the cross feeling abandoned. She said in one letter, "If I ever achieve sainthood, I should be known as the Saint of Darkness." (my rough quotes). Given the number of people suffering from religious doubt or other versions of abandonment in their lives, I think our world certainly could use a Saint of Darkness.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20070830/cm_csm/eteresa_1
In her letters to confessors and superiors, recently published, Mother Teresa's soul is laid bare as she admits to profound moments of isolation and abandonment from God and even doubt in heaven or the Creator himself. In fact, she struggled with these feelings for 50 years while she continued to minister to the poorest of Calcutta.
I think this is so interesting for so many reasons. As this story is published, stories of other saints and good people having profound moments of doubt surface. Doubt might be more normal than we think. I also think that feelings come in pairs. What does "happy" mean if there's not a "sad" to give it context? Profound spirituality and communion with God and profound isolation and abandonment might come as a package deal. No one can feel floaty and peaceful and God-filled all the time, just like no one can be jolly and spritely all the time.
For me, this only elevates the status of Mother Teresa. She persevered through moments of doubt and tried to see the good in it. One of her advisers told her that her abandonment gives her greater understanding of Jesus on the cross feeling abandoned. She said in one letter, "If I ever achieve sainthood, I should be known as the Saint of Darkness." (my rough quotes). Given the number of people suffering from religious doubt or other versions of abandonment in their lives, I think our world certainly could use a Saint of Darkness.
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