Ellie's thighs

The rest of her looks fairly normal
But then you see those thighs
There are knee-dimples
A crease instead of an ankle
Many folds and dimples
No discernable muscle
Just squishy soft baby thighs
I can't decide whether to slather them in butter and eat them
or dive into them and swim
Is that so wrong?
She'd better enjoy them
It's the only time in life when the fatter you are the cuter you look

Weekend at the cottage

We just returned from my Grandma's party weekend in Green Bay. This was the weekend that 17 people were supposed to spend the night in a 3-bedroom, 1-bathroom cottage. We made hotel reservations, my mom sprang into action at the threat of us not being on-site wtih the others, and offered us the guest cottage. This is a small cottage next to the 3-bedroom one. We gratefully accepted.

The guest cottage has one large bedroom and a little bathroom. In the bedroom (15x15) is a double-bed, two twin beds, a bunkbed, and a dresser. You might wonder how all these beds fit into a tiny space. The answer is, not very well. And I see from these arrangements that other families have the same biases in favor of cramming as many people as possible into a tiny space.

Tenement-style living quickly turned crabby as kids got wild, adults reached their noise-level max, people stopped obeying the friendly reminder-notes left throughout the cottage ("take off shoes!" "don't use this door!"), and only a few were helping prepare the meal for 40 while the rest sat in the living room became smarter and funnier and louder than ever with the help of free-flowing booze.

I know I sound really crabby, and I guess I just don't do well with the chaos that a big family brings. But coming home and falling into my own bed was very, very nice. And I'm looking forward to a wonderful, relaxing Memorial Day.

weekend highlights

1. The woman I sat next to on the way to Dallas for my 3-hour layover offering to get me into the Dallas Admiral's club. The other half does live better.
2. My brother-in-law cooking delicious, perfect fish and grilled asparagus the first night I arrived. Served with the most delicious wine ever
3. Buying a dress that I would normally never buy if I weren't on vacation
4. Returning said dress the next day.
5. Going to a benefit auction for the San Francisco Children's museum. A spectacle. I declined to bid on the $34,000 vacation
6. Watching the Bay-to-Breakers race Sunday. Lots of naked people. It's really funny to see naked people wearing shoes and socks and sunglasses.
7. Walking up hills, which don't exist in the midwest. I discovered that I indeed have calf muscles, although my leg is shaped like a wrapping paper tube from knee to ankle.
8. Playing with my adorable and hilarious nieces.
9. Feeling brilliant when I thought of a way to make one niece stay in bed at night (the nightime fairy will bring a treat in the morning if you stay in bed all night).
10. Feeling really bad when brilliant idea backfired and niece clutched at me and cried in fear of the strange "Fairy" (insert SF gay joke here)
11. Spending lots and lots of time with my beloved sister and bro-in-law
12. Chuckling to self as security asked if I would take off Ellie's booties and put them through the scanner. Ellie the shoe-bomber. I mean bootie-bomber.

pope's book

Does anyone else think it's weird that the pope came out with a book? Does he do book tours? Signings? Go on the talk show circuit to promote it? It's obviously going to sell well because, well, he's the pope. The idea behind his book is that many who study the bible via the historical-critical method (deciphering the passages within the context of the time, the author's bias, mistranslations) are limited in their studies. The Catholic way, he asserts, should be to approach the bible and everything in our religion from a loving, faith-filled background. In other words, faith must come before biblical study, because biblical study can not logically lead to faith. If that makes sense. Anyhow, I fell asleep twice while trying to start the pope's book. And I'm sure anyone who reads this is already asleep also.

What's new

Last week I had the kids outside at the witching hour. The witching hour is actually more like 3 hours from 3-6pm, when I have nothing left in my Mary Poppins arsenal, when threre are no naps left in the day, and all I can do is try to have the kids not kill each other while I anxiously await the return of Matt so I can exit promptly for a decompression walk around the block. So the kids were outside in fight mode and I was trying really hard not to physically or emotionally abuse them. Out strolls a neighbor with her one child (who happens to be perfect). She starts talking about how she really isn't sure she wants to have another baby because of what it would do to the perfect first child. And, she said, there is always the chance of having twins, which would be a REAL disaster! And here I am, yelling at my kids to quit beating each other, and knowing that she is observing what is happening as the disaster she would be faced with if she had two more kids. Then she's talking about how she's a professor and how she's working on her dissertation, which she wants to turn into a book. And all at once I have two feelings: 1. I LOVE my three kids, and of course it's hard sometimes, but I would NEVER trade this and all the fun and love they get from each other. And 2. I would give anything to have a life of books and research and writing and teaching. And it dawns on me that this is what I want to do with my life. Not that I haven't fantasized about getting my PhD in theology and teaching for a living, but it has been closer to the coffeeshop fantasy in reality terms. But I think I know now that this desire to learn more and to write about my thoughts in the matters I read about is something inside that I MUST do. It's more than a passing fantasy, but something that really has to happen for me to feel complete.

So now I'm trying to figure out how it can happen. First step is to research grad schools around Chicago, second step, figure out what I can do with a degree in theology if I don't happen to have people begging me to accept a tenure track position at their Chicago University. There's always the money tree in the backyard, which will also finance the landscaping, new windows, bathroom remodels and master suite addition that I'd also like.

I have become the estimate bandit around Oak Park, requesting estimates for the following items:
new furnace
patio/walkway/landscaping in back
windows in front

...without doing a thing about any of these. Because all of them cost approximately 10 times what we can afford. Again, I know I need to consult the money tree.

I also had my family over on Sunday for brunch. As usual, I had pre-family-party freak out, where I get to be a really horrible person to live with and start thinking irrational thoughts. But it's over now, the food was great (a repeat of Easter brunch).

So that's the update, sorry for dropping out of society for awhile. I tend to do that when I get freaked out.

Thursday begins my vacation to San Fransisco to visit my sis. Can't wait!

A day in my mind

Over the last month or so, John has upped his usual maniac ways. His emotions have been turning on a dime, we have daily power struggles, and he has requested a new mom. (John: "What does 'fired' mean?" Me: "When you loose your job." John: "If you were fired, who would be my mom?" Me: "I don't know." John: "Maybe Mrs. Murphy could be my mom." Me: "Maybe." John: "Mom, you're fired.") He has also been having accidents up to 4 times a day, and has been wetting the bed frequently, even peeing on me once when I was in his bed when Matt was away and I didn't want to be on a different floor than the kids (terrible habit, I know, hello, Oedipus). But in the middle of the night one of these nights when Matt was away (after peeing the bed), Johnny asked for a glass of water to make his legs feel better. Weird. So I immediately think something is horrible wrong with him and look up his symptoms. I become convinced that he has diabetes and tell Matt that we must make him an appointment for a screening. Matt, used to my alarmist ways, requests that I wait just two days until the new job starts so we won't have any trouble with pre-existing conditions if it turns out that he does have diabetes.

I had the appointment last week. They do a test right there in the office. No diabetes. However, they said that his white blood count levels were up and they were sending it to the big lab for testing. I go home and look up what happens when white blood count leves are off, and I become convinced that John has a condition where his body is attacking his organs, and he will eventually die from this. I become completely depressed and think of life without Johnny. At least I will still have my two girls, and maybe then we'll have another baby. Maybe it will be a boy and his middle name will be Johnny. Annie will have the hardest time with Johnny's death because she adores him (although they fight like Shiites and Sunnis). I'm not sure I could have a regular funeral, standing up there in a receiving line with all those people coming through, trying super hard only to let the appropriate amount of crazy show.

Well, the pediatrician called today. No diabetes, no weird self-attacking disease. John will live. No funeral. No baby with Johnny as a middle name. Thank goodness I don't have to stand up in front of all those people trying not to be crazy.

But now, there's no disease that excuses his maniacal ways. That's just HIM! So I called my Dad for guidance, and he tells me that John is just a normal boy. As he gets older, his boy ways will be louder and bigger. God help me.

new theory of mine

A healthy marriage requires just a little bit of denial.

Self Help Book Binge

LOVED the enneagram book. I made Matt self-diagnose what type he is as well (he's a 5). We read the chapter for him and alternately howled in laughter and were stunned into silence at the accuracy of the statements regarding people in his type. Anyhow, it opened up a conversation and has helped both of us understand how the other's brain works.

Now I am on to the next self-help book, "Fear and Other Uninvited Guests" by Harriet Lerner, a funny, smart, open and honest PhD in Psychology. She shares her own stories of dysfunction which I love. Something about another person's humility and openness that makes me want to listen to them even more. There are some wonderful quotes in this book which I'd like to share here:

"Every human life is unique, and every human life has value. We're not meant to be anyone else but ourselves. We all face the challenge of living the life we have, not the life we imagined having, the life we wish for, or the life we are quite certain we deserve. "

"Finding is losing something else. I weep, even mourn, for that which I lost to find this."

"Our society doesn't promote self-acceptance and it never will. First of all, self-acceptance doesn't sell products. Capitalism would fall if we liked ourselves the way we are now."

Just some interesting tidbits. Hope you like them, too.