Inspirations from the Ice

I finished a long conversation with my sister tonight. She was telling a story about when we were little and very much in passing said, "and Mom wasn't paying attention to us older three because I think she was busy taking care of you littler ones..." I thought this was funny because I don't remember my mom playing with us on the floor or teaching us to draw or standing behind us on the ladder at the park. I don't know if I assumed she was paying attention to the older three or what, I just remember my mom as a presence in the background of my life; there to make things run smoothly and help in case of emergency, but not a constant playmate or an emotional manager. Very different from the typical parent of today. I have this memory of a parent I once saw at a party playing with a shape sorter on the floor with her one-year old. The kid started to cry when she could not force the star into the circle hole of her shape sorter. The mom put aside the toy and said with a concerned and empathetic look on her face, "Maya, are you feeling very frustrated? Can you say 'frustrated,' Maya?" When I'm feeling blue I actually think about the lack of parental playtime or emotional management to justify the pity party I throw for myself. If only I were part of one of those perfect little two-child families I would be a different person! I would have had all the parental attention that I needed and all the friendship that I wanted with another sibling. Never mind that if my parents had followed my wish and only had two children, this fourth child wouldn't be here to complain about it in the first place. By the way, just to come clean, that parent was me, and that child's name wasn't Maya, it was Annie.

A few words about my mom...she belongs to a very small minority of people on the planet who believe wholeheartedly in Catholicism AND Astrology. The movements of the stars and the signs under which people were born have organized my mom's life decisions and the way she deals with people in her life. I am an Aries, the natural-born leader who is also sometimes a bit self-centered. Who, me? I rolled my eyes every time I heard my mom utter a sentence beginning with, "Now because you're an Aries..." But, fast forward ten years and I think I am becoming a believer. At least I read my horoscope every day and always find truth in it.

Anyhoo, back to the story...after I hung up with my sister I kissed the kids goodnight and put on my coat for a walk outside. We've all been cooped up in the house for a few days with fevers and I wanted to get out. It was warmer today and even rained--strange for a Chicago February. The air was cooler than it was this afternoon, but still mild, and I was enjoying the sounds of being alone outside: the faint buzzing of the streetlight, the sound of my foot occasionally catching on an uneven bump in the pavement and echoing in the empty night. I love nightwalks. Places which bustle and brew the day's affairs look different from the emptiness and solitude of night. Sometimes walking these familiar streets at night gives me a feeling of owning and understanding everything all at once. The rain that had fallen earlier in the day froze over on the sidewalks making a glistening sheet of ice on each square. I had to walk carefully not to slip. After a few blocks of setting one foot down carefully in front of the other, I began walking faster and more heavily on each foot. And then, I slipped and fell. I sat there on the ground a minute to make sure I didn't re-damage my tailbone as I did a few weeks ago when I slipped down our front stairs. All butt bones seemed fine, so I stood up and proceeded again carefully on the dangerous ice. Someone could KILL themselves on this stuff! And then suddenly a memory shot into my head.

I remembered days like this as a kid when the rain would freeze on our driveway and make a slanted skating rink. My mom would lace up our skates and send us outside to play. She would stay inside and do what? Take a nap? Read a book? Just the sort of thing I would like to do, but feel like I shouldn't because maybe they kids would slip and hurt themselves and I wouldn't be right there, or maybe they'd get stolen from the front yard, or maybe they would slide into the street (if we had slanty driveways in our neighborhood, which we don't). I guess my mom figured that whatever challenges came our way we would figure out on our own. When we couldn't solve our own problems, we could help each other out. When we couldn't help each other out, we could come inside and get her.

And I realize now that this was a good way to do things. I learned to do a lot on my own, and with time I have learned to be a good sister and be a friend to my siblings. And when all else fails, I still call my mom. Being a kid of five and having the wonderful opportunity to nearly brake my ankle or slide into traffic made me self-reliant, independent, brave, and able to share time and attention with four other people. None of that would have happened without my mom, who was probably not taking a nap or reading a book when we were out skating. Can you imagine the laundry and ironing with a household of seven? And the food required to prepare? God, I think I need to take a nap. And I smiled as I looked up at that buzzing, annoying street lamp, that being the fourth of five kids was a very good thing for me, the self-centered Aries. God Bless my Mom.