I always reserve the right to change my mind. Whether it's my religion, my hair color, or whether I'm working full time, part time, or no time. A few months ago when I was deciding whether or not to take a part-time job, I made up a list of pros and cons to help me decide whether to take it or not:
o. money (a wash in this case, as it would have paid for childcare with almost nothing left over)
-. juggling work and home (I am not very good at multitasking)
-. missing the kids (I would especially miss out on mornings with Ellie alone, something I had really looked forward to)
-. added chaos from having more going on and less time to do it all (not good for the old anxiety)
+. break from the kids (yes, please!)
+. identity outside of the family (badly needed)
+. career direction (ditto)
As I declared several months ago, these factors all have different weights, so while the list of pros and cons is even (see + - o notations), they might not be equally weighted. Added chaos is a weighty factor. I have a hard time even remembering to change Ellie's diaper on a regular basis with all that we have going on. But I think I have changed my mind. Not that I'll do any better with chaos, but I am feeling like a break from the kids, and an identity outside the home (perhaps I should add something to do with my mind outside the home) are also weighy factors that might trump chaos.
So I have begun the process to seek part-time employment. But not so fast. The moment that I started sending out resumes (1-2 each week), I suddenly felt my kids and my home pulling at my heart when I picked Johnny up from school and smelled the delightful smell of tempura paints. Could I possibly exchange that for the smell of printer toner? We could of course get into all kinds of other smells that would be much better in an office than at home.
Anyway, I gave up sweets for lent and never in my life has the candy in the checkout line looked so good or the kids' valentine's candy been so tempting. I even looked at the can of whipped cream in my fridge and wondered whether it would be legal of me to squirt some directly into my mouth and whether that would be satisfying or not. Today is Sunday, 4 days after lent has begun, and I just binged on the candy that my in-laws just brought over for the kids. It was delicious.
Do we always just want what we don't or can't have?
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2 comments:
It's great to see a new posting! You go girl! If you need any help on the job front (incl more pros/cons), just let me know!
Yes...we always want what we don't have. At least I do.
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